DustinsDuster
10-08-2007, 12:55 AM
this is an old story, but i stumbled across it on my computer, and figured everyone on here would want to read it. come on, admit it. you do...
i wasnt quite sure what to expect with a professional wrestling match. pretty much all i knew was that they offered free beer, so i was ready to go as soon as i heard that.
Friday rolls around, and im especially excited because i actually managed to get the night off work. three day weekend, and i was ready for it. i picked up a bottle of vodka and a few red bulls and brought them home to "pre-party" a bit. Bill and Apples show up, and ive had a few shots of vodka. i get on my "Mr. Destiny" t-shirt(the guy who i used to work with, pretty much the reason i got invited to go). even though Bill and Wally left 10 minutes before us, we still managed to get there 10 minutes before they did. i stood in line for an etenity checking out all the mullets and mustaches. Iowa kicks ass for this reason. finally get in and i see Chad(my manager at FedEx) with Jay(Mr. Destiny). i decide to embarass them a little bit by yelling across the huge gym, "WOOOOO! MR. DESTINY!". Jay walks away. when i finally get over to the beer counter thing, i start talking to the beer server girl for the first of many times that night. she tells me this is the first time shes ever served beer, so i immediatly assume she doesnt know what shes doing. it explains all the head in the beer. Bill gets a beer same time as me, which is funny, he doesnt drink beer very often. by the time the national anthem starts, ive already had a few beers. i look over and see this short guy singing along with the national anthem. he is obviously more drunk than me. i decide to go tell him how much better of a singer i think he is than the lameass in the ring singing. he starts singing to himself and i walk away laughing.
a while later, Bill gives me his beer to finish off. its about now i notice theres a stack of cups in my left hand. i had no idea how many cups i had drank, because the bar girl filled my old cup a few times as i took new cups as well. i had been double fisting for a while, and wrestling finally started. some mexican looking guy comes waltzing into the ring with a Mexican flag draped over his shoulders and one wicked mustache. i comment on how much he reminds me of Pedro from "Napolean Dynamite". i heckle the guy throughout the whole match, predicting theres no way that he is going to win, because hes from Mexico. as i guessed, the mexican guy lost the match, and i took this as a sign that i can predict the outcome out of every match i see.
i make my way back up to the little serving counter and find a very hot girl there. she was wearing a tight silver dress, which really showed off her curves. i start talking to her and find out shes a ring girl, and later shes going to be playing a manager for one of the wrestlers even though she has no idea how to be. i tell her she has to learn how to just yell out random things at the wrestlers."PIN! REVERSE! COUNTER!" she couldnt remember those 3 words. but she did look very good in her dress, did i mention that?
with three beers, i make my way back to the front row where my friends and Chad's mom were sitting. on the way i realize im starting to get pretty drunk. i was sloshing beer around everywhere. Bill said to me "D, youre spilling beer everywhere". i quickly came back with "OH YEAH? LETS SEE YOU HANDLE 3 BEERS ANY BETTER!". i didnt realize it at the time, but i said that pretty loud, and i wouldnt be surprised if everyone sitting around me heard it.
the next little while is a bit of a blur of a lot of very fake wrestling and A LOT of yelling by me. i would pick a random guy, and cheer for him like he was my brother, than immediatly switch sides when he started doing bad. at one point a tag team duo came out, one in camoflage fatigues, and the other in an arm sling. the army guy was talking a lot of crap, but i knew since he had a guy in a sling fighting with him, he would be the total underdog and probably win. i didnt waste any time in telling the sling-armed wrestler this. the conversation went something like this:
me:"HEY! I ALREADY KNOW YOURE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE YOUR ARM IS IN A SLING!"
meat head - "Sit your ass back down!"
me - "COME ON MAN, GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. JUST SAY 'I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS!'. YOU CAN DO IT MAN!"
meat head - "get your ass back to your chair!"
me - "whatever..."
i then proceed to let everyone in yelling distance know that these guys were going to win. for the first of a few times that night, the overweight, incompetant looking security guys told me i need to refrain from talking to the wrestlers and return to my seat. i tell the guy "OK MAN! sorry about that, you wont have any more trouble from me!". so i lied. i keep yelling the whole match and the army guy and meathead combo, as i said they would, won. this further reinforced in my head that i am an awesome fight predictor.
then probably the best part of the night happened. the guy i knew, Jay(aka Mr. Destiny) came out and did his awesome crap talk to another wrestler who wasnt 1/2 as big as him called "T.S. Agressor". when i get drunk, i like to find a cause and get behind it whole heartedly, and this was no different. i started yelling at the top of my lungs, "GO MISTER DESTINY! THAT GUY IS GARBAGE! TS AGRESSOR? MORE LIKE BS AGRESSOR!". the crowd was cheering at everything he said, but i took their cheers as them digging what i was about and started cheering more. i was once again asked to return to my seat. now im really into the fight, and i realize that all my friends are embarassed that theyre there with me. at this point all i know is that beer fixes everything, so i tell them they should have some. their mood doesnt change. i then hear them say that theyre going to be letting people get their pictures taken with Mr. Destiny for $5. now, if i were sober, i wouldnt pay a quarter for this, but as drunk as i was(and was still getting) this sounded like the best idea ever. i immidiatly stormed over to the ring and got in line with about 10 little kids. my friends looked worried about what i might do. i finally get into the ring, and walk up to Mr. Destiny and flex my bicep and tell Jay he needs to feel my bicep for the picture. he didnt, but the picture is one of the funniest things ive ever seen. i came out of that ring laughing so hard i almost fell getting out. i showed my friends and we all had a good laugh.
starting to get a bit blurry now, i somehow got Justin on the phone, and he tells me that hes at Leisure Times, about a mile and a half away. without thinking, i hang up and tell him i'll be there in a few minutes. i tell Apples i need my sweatshirt out of his truck and grab his keys. i get back in, toss him his keys, and leave. thats right, i went to this whole wrestling just to see Jay wrestle, and i didnt even stay to watch it. asking me now, i have no idea why i didnt just stay for another half hour to see him out there. i have long ago stopped trying to figure out my logic when im drunk.
now im walking down this road, randomly calling people, and trying to hitchhike to random cars driving by. i get my friend Emily on the phone, and am really not sure what i said to her, but while on the phone, i see a big semi truck pulling out of this trucking place. i walk right up to the guys window and ask him if he can take me a mile up the road. he declines. its official. i got denied a ride by one of the guys who give rufees to random people so they can rape and kill them. yep, me.
i finally get to Lesiure Times(i have no idea how i havent gotten picked up for public intox yet(knock on wood)), and find Justin. "you walked here drunk, didnt you" he asks. i dont even have to answer. i decide im going to walk around the place and look for girls. the place had absolutley no cute girls, and the decent ones i saw were surrounded by boner looking guys and all of their boner friends. the place quickly loses its appeal. Justin asks me to go get us some beers, so i walk into the bar where the bartender informs me that she can only give me one beer because if she gives me another one, it could be for an other, underage person, but i could buy one, come right back and buy another. what the fuck is that? whos to say im not just going to give the one beer to someone else? i inform her she wont be getting a tip. i realize i know the waitress who offers to just bring me out two beers. despite her being helpful, she doesnt seem interested in me(imagine that, a girl who has to deal with drunks all night now dealing with another drunk). i go back to the table, and right as the beers get there, my phone rings. its my mom, shes outside to pick me up. did i call her? i dont even remember it. i tell my friends my ride is here, and leave. i get home and sit up until about 2:30, then go to sleep when Wally leaves for work. its a good thing, i doubt i couldve made it through work like that.
THE NEXT DAY
i wake up at about 9 the next morning feeling fine save for a minor headache. wally is no where to be found, and doest have a phone, so no one knows where he is. when i finally talked to him later that afternoon, he patched in a few of the holes from the night before. he made me feel pretty bad about some of what happened. aparently i was spitting and spilling beer all over, including on Chad's mom. also told me Chad was a little unhappy that i left early, as if i wasnt. he told me he and my friends didnt want me to leave, but they knew, knowing me, they had 2 choices. let me have my sweatshirt, and i'll be somewhat warm as im walking, or not let me have it, and i walk anyway in the cold wearing my suite jacket. they knew there was no talking me out of it. he then showed me the picture that all of them got with Jay. he then informed me i paid for it. i knew i was missing more money than i thought i should. i asked him what the little yellow lines on it were. "thats from you. in the 10 seconds it took to show you the picture, you managed to spill beer on it". yep, that was me. the night was totally nuts. if you ever get the chance to go see wrestling, i would highly suggest it, but its probably a good idea to make sure you dont know anyone wrestling, and you might not want to bring your non-drinking good friends as well
i wasnt quite sure what to expect with a professional wrestling match. pretty much all i knew was that they offered free beer, so i was ready to go as soon as i heard that.
Friday rolls around, and im especially excited because i actually managed to get the night off work. three day weekend, and i was ready for it. i picked up a bottle of vodka and a few red bulls and brought them home to "pre-party" a bit. Bill and Apples show up, and ive had a few shots of vodka. i get on my "Mr. Destiny" t-shirt(the guy who i used to work with, pretty much the reason i got invited to go). even though Bill and Wally left 10 minutes before us, we still managed to get there 10 minutes before they did. i stood in line for an etenity checking out all the mullets and mustaches. Iowa kicks ass for this reason. finally get in and i see Chad(my manager at FedEx) with Jay(Mr. Destiny). i decide to embarass them a little bit by yelling across the huge gym, "WOOOOO! MR. DESTINY!". Jay walks away. when i finally get over to the beer counter thing, i start talking to the beer server girl for the first of many times that night. she tells me this is the first time shes ever served beer, so i immediatly assume she doesnt know what shes doing. it explains all the head in the beer. Bill gets a beer same time as me, which is funny, he doesnt drink beer very often. by the time the national anthem starts, ive already had a few beers. i look over and see this short guy singing along with the national anthem. he is obviously more drunk than me. i decide to go tell him how much better of a singer i think he is than the lameass in the ring singing. he starts singing to himself and i walk away laughing.
a while later, Bill gives me his beer to finish off. its about now i notice theres a stack of cups in my left hand. i had no idea how many cups i had drank, because the bar girl filled my old cup a few times as i took new cups as well. i had been double fisting for a while, and wrestling finally started. some mexican looking guy comes waltzing into the ring with a Mexican flag draped over his shoulders and one wicked mustache. i comment on how much he reminds me of Pedro from "Napolean Dynamite". i heckle the guy throughout the whole match, predicting theres no way that he is going to win, because hes from Mexico. as i guessed, the mexican guy lost the match, and i took this as a sign that i can predict the outcome out of every match i see.
i make my way back up to the little serving counter and find a very hot girl there. she was wearing a tight silver dress, which really showed off her curves. i start talking to her and find out shes a ring girl, and later shes going to be playing a manager for one of the wrestlers even though she has no idea how to be. i tell her she has to learn how to just yell out random things at the wrestlers."PIN! REVERSE! COUNTER!" she couldnt remember those 3 words. but she did look very good in her dress, did i mention that?
with three beers, i make my way back to the front row where my friends and Chad's mom were sitting. on the way i realize im starting to get pretty drunk. i was sloshing beer around everywhere. Bill said to me "D, youre spilling beer everywhere". i quickly came back with "OH YEAH? LETS SEE YOU HANDLE 3 BEERS ANY BETTER!". i didnt realize it at the time, but i said that pretty loud, and i wouldnt be surprised if everyone sitting around me heard it.
the next little while is a bit of a blur of a lot of very fake wrestling and A LOT of yelling by me. i would pick a random guy, and cheer for him like he was my brother, than immediatly switch sides when he started doing bad. at one point a tag team duo came out, one in camoflage fatigues, and the other in an arm sling. the army guy was talking a lot of crap, but i knew since he had a guy in a sling fighting with him, he would be the total underdog and probably win. i didnt waste any time in telling the sling-armed wrestler this. the conversation went something like this:
me:"HEY! I ALREADY KNOW YOURE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE YOUR ARM IS IN A SLING!"
meat head - "Sit your ass back down!"
me - "COME ON MAN, GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. JUST SAY 'I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS!'. YOU CAN DO IT MAN!"
meat head - "get your ass back to your chair!"
me - "whatever..."
i then proceed to let everyone in yelling distance know that these guys were going to win. for the first of a few times that night, the overweight, incompetant looking security guys told me i need to refrain from talking to the wrestlers and return to my seat. i tell the guy "OK MAN! sorry about that, you wont have any more trouble from me!". so i lied. i keep yelling the whole match and the army guy and meathead combo, as i said they would, won. this further reinforced in my head that i am an awesome fight predictor.
then probably the best part of the night happened. the guy i knew, Jay(aka Mr. Destiny) came out and did his awesome crap talk to another wrestler who wasnt 1/2 as big as him called "T.S. Agressor". when i get drunk, i like to find a cause and get behind it whole heartedly, and this was no different. i started yelling at the top of my lungs, "GO MISTER DESTINY! THAT GUY IS GARBAGE! TS AGRESSOR? MORE LIKE BS AGRESSOR!". the crowd was cheering at everything he said, but i took their cheers as them digging what i was about and started cheering more. i was once again asked to return to my seat. now im really into the fight, and i realize that all my friends are embarassed that theyre there with me. at this point all i know is that beer fixes everything, so i tell them they should have some. their mood doesnt change. i then hear them say that theyre going to be letting people get their pictures taken with Mr. Destiny for $5. now, if i were sober, i wouldnt pay a quarter for this, but as drunk as i was(and was still getting) this sounded like the best idea ever. i immidiatly stormed over to the ring and got in line with about 10 little kids. my friends looked worried about what i might do. i finally get into the ring, and walk up to Mr. Destiny and flex my bicep and tell Jay he needs to feel my bicep for the picture. he didnt, but the picture is one of the funniest things ive ever seen. i came out of that ring laughing so hard i almost fell getting out. i showed my friends and we all had a good laugh.
starting to get a bit blurry now, i somehow got Justin on the phone, and he tells me that hes at Leisure Times, about a mile and a half away. without thinking, i hang up and tell him i'll be there in a few minutes. i tell Apples i need my sweatshirt out of his truck and grab his keys. i get back in, toss him his keys, and leave. thats right, i went to this whole wrestling just to see Jay wrestle, and i didnt even stay to watch it. asking me now, i have no idea why i didnt just stay for another half hour to see him out there. i have long ago stopped trying to figure out my logic when im drunk.
now im walking down this road, randomly calling people, and trying to hitchhike to random cars driving by. i get my friend Emily on the phone, and am really not sure what i said to her, but while on the phone, i see a big semi truck pulling out of this trucking place. i walk right up to the guys window and ask him if he can take me a mile up the road. he declines. its official. i got denied a ride by one of the guys who give rufees to random people so they can rape and kill them. yep, me.
i finally get to Lesiure Times(i have no idea how i havent gotten picked up for public intox yet(knock on wood)), and find Justin. "you walked here drunk, didnt you" he asks. i dont even have to answer. i decide im going to walk around the place and look for girls. the place had absolutley no cute girls, and the decent ones i saw were surrounded by boner looking guys and all of their boner friends. the place quickly loses its appeal. Justin asks me to go get us some beers, so i walk into the bar where the bartender informs me that she can only give me one beer because if she gives me another one, it could be for an other, underage person, but i could buy one, come right back and buy another. what the fuck is that? whos to say im not just going to give the one beer to someone else? i inform her she wont be getting a tip. i realize i know the waitress who offers to just bring me out two beers. despite her being helpful, she doesnt seem interested in me(imagine that, a girl who has to deal with drunks all night now dealing with another drunk). i go back to the table, and right as the beers get there, my phone rings. its my mom, shes outside to pick me up. did i call her? i dont even remember it. i tell my friends my ride is here, and leave. i get home and sit up until about 2:30, then go to sleep when Wally leaves for work. its a good thing, i doubt i couldve made it through work like that.
THE NEXT DAY
i wake up at about 9 the next morning feeling fine save for a minor headache. wally is no where to be found, and doest have a phone, so no one knows where he is. when i finally talked to him later that afternoon, he patched in a few of the holes from the night before. he made me feel pretty bad about some of what happened. aparently i was spitting and spilling beer all over, including on Chad's mom. also told me Chad was a little unhappy that i left early, as if i wasnt. he told me he and my friends didnt want me to leave, but they knew, knowing me, they had 2 choices. let me have my sweatshirt, and i'll be somewhat warm as im walking, or not let me have it, and i walk anyway in the cold wearing my suite jacket. they knew there was no talking me out of it. he then showed me the picture that all of them got with Jay. he then informed me i paid for it. i knew i was missing more money than i thought i should. i asked him what the little yellow lines on it were. "thats from you. in the 10 seconds it took to show you the picture, you managed to spill beer on it". yep, that was me. the night was totally nuts. if you ever get the chance to go see wrestling, i would highly suggest it, but its probably a good idea to make sure you dont know anyone wrestling, and you might not want to bring your non-drinking good friends as well