Ok, who was it?

[krustindumm]

(319): umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
(1-319): put a dollar in it?

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

[DragonUSMC]

this site is WIN!... although i could spend HOURS reading them all...

[Stro]

Favorite Hands Down!

(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

[DustinsDuster]

dude, way better.

(402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

[DustinsDuster]

this one's good as well:

(773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

[DustinsDuster]

stupid girl:

(804): i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

awesome:
(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

[NewSpeedSteed]

Heres a bunch of my faves (been aware the site for about a month now)

(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married


(404): Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one

(573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru

(209): yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(708): Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(216): Where the **** is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you

(925): i think i just met the girl of my dreams. someone made a serious statement about rape and she said "pish posh, i love surprise sex"

(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession

(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my **** in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

****. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

(775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

(240): Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.

(804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
(804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

(917): I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
(740): enter at your own risk

(678): He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
(770): I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

(931): Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.

(832): I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
(303): Knowing your life, probably not.

(361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
(1-361): These are the tickets we got last night.
(361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
(1-361): Yes...yes you did.

(251): Call me "white mamba"
(334): Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
(251): It is white.

(850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

(970): i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...

(636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date

(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
(1-510): It was probably Jesus.
(510): I feel like he would have left a message.

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a ****ing bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

(513): do you believe in love at first sight?
(1-513): awwwwww =)
(513): yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

(616): i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

(732): she woke up with a sticky ear

(301): i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.

(540): I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.

(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

(412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

(513): So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
(1-513): You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

(414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
(719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
(414): are you serious?

I have a few more favs but I don't want to have this long post that sucks to read through, trust me though all the reading is worth it.

[Drifte]

(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

[DustinsDuster]

i just can't stop with these:

(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.


(703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

[DustinsDuster]

this one reminds me of highschool:

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

[DustinsDuster]

another local one; proves Iowa's got huge balls:

(319): yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.

[CiViC-Wanted]

Yea I saw that about a month or so ago. There is also Fmylife.com thats pretty good too.

[Drifte]

yea... fmylife.com was my life a month ago. no joke. someone shoulda shot me.

[Ricky]

yea... fmylife.com was my life a month ago. no joke. someone shoulda shot me.


all you had to do was ask.....

[Ricky]

Yea I saw that about a month or so ago. There is also Fmylife.com thats pretty good too.


i have the FML app on my phone and i read some when i have to poop.

[JacobS]

^thats actually a good idea haha